Blogging is a new experience for me and the best part is being able to keep in touch with people. As I have been reading about all of the events in people's lives I have noticed either one of two things. Either people are writing about their children (whether they are expecting, just had a baby, or have several kids) or are writing about longing for them and struggles of infertility.
Unfortunately, I fall into the later category. Although, Rusty and I have not been officially deemed "infetile" (simply because we havn't been "trying" for an entire year . . . yet, but close) I certainly feel that way.
When Rusty and I first decided to start trying for a baby I was sooooo excited! I got online and started looking up early signs of pregnancy, signing up for magazines and newsletters, looking at EVERYTHING baby and thinking . . .
It's just a matter of time.
Little did I know how much "time" that would be. Not long after we started trying I thought I had missed a period, so I took a pregnancy test. It came up negative and a couple days later I started my period. I was bummed, but not defeated because we hadn't been trying very long and besides . . . there is always next month.
After five long months of trying, wishing, hoping, waiting, and disappointing results I decided it was time to go get checked out. As I sat in the doctors office and poured out my concerns he discussed several things with me. The first of which was the fact that maybe I simply have a longer cycle (like 45 days, instead of the normal 28) and that I really am not as irregular as I think. The next thing we discussed was the possiblity and likelihood that I am insulin resistant, which can cause annovulation aka you don't ovulate! I had some digging to do.
Infused with new hope I went to Wal-Mart and got an ovulation kit and was determined to track my cycle and start being proactive in our quest for a child. I did discover that I have a 45 day cycle, which means that I ovulate much less than the average woman, but
I wasn't going to let that get me down.
I tried several ovulation kits and couldn't get a positive result. I'm beginning to think that my chances of being a mom of MY children are not that good.
So, I thought I had a 45 day cycle, but now I have completely missed a cycle. It has been almost TWO months since I had a period. Being EXTREMELY EXCITED about this development I have taken several pregnancy tests with high hopes . . .
only to have them crushed!
I am still waiting for either my period or more significant signs of pregnancy, but I have to say my hopes are not high for the miracle of conception.
I know that my pain has not been as sustained as some women I have read about, nor is my story the most tragic, but it still hurts! I sill feel and enourmous amount of longing and failure.
I am often frustrated with myself when I allow every little thing to make me think that I am pregnant and get my hopes up, only to be crushed by the one pink line staring back at me. If my chest feel slightly more tender, my stomach a little bit upset in the morning or evening, if I feel a little light headed, a bit more tired I allow my imagination to run wild where it eventually ends up making me believe or hope that I am pregnant.
I am trying to be strong
Trying to stay grounded
Trying to curb my longing
Trying to put my trust in the Lord
BUT . . .
It's Hard
Please don't think that I am not sincerely happy for those of you who have and are experiencing the miracle of pregnancy, delivery, and parenthood because I am!!! I couldn't be more excited for you to experience what I only dream about.
I must admit that I very nervous about posting something so personal, but I hope that out there somewhere someone has learned from my story what I have learned from the many I have read . . . you are not alone!!!
There are many of us struggling and in the end I know that someday, I will get to look down into the face of an angel that calls me "Mom!"
8 comments:
What a blessing to have such a strong desire! Your longing and anticipation now will be replaced with joy and excitement later. Just think how much more joyous it will be because you want it so much!
Thanks Carrie! I know you're right :)
How I wish I was there, RIGHT NOW, to hug you and let you cry on my shoulder!
It take amazing courage to post about this, you are truly an amazing woman. I hope and pray that you get everything you desire.
If I could tell you anything, it would be to always, always look to the Savior. I think that one of the most dominant things that I have learned through this trial is that I can completely rely on the atonement of our Savior.
And, it doesn't matter if you have been trying for 6 months, a year, or 10 years, the longing to be a mother is intense, and it hurts when that longing cannot be satisfied.
I pray for you, my dear friend.
Brianna,
I found your blog through Annie's. You are so amazing. I'll keep ya'll in my thoughts and prayers. I missed seeing you while I was visiting Easter weekend. I know I don't know you that well, but I still like you. :) (This is just a side note, but my sister struggled getting pregnant with her second and my mom sent her to some herb lady. She thinks it worked. Ask my mom (Grace) if you are interested. She'd more than love to help out.)
Bri you are the best! I know that you and Rusty are going to be amazing parents ... you are both so great ~ I'm praying right along with you. Love you!!
Brianna,
I've been off the blog thing for a while and just read your post. Have you read my posts about infertility? If not, go back and read them. You are so good to be vocal about this and I know how your heart aches but you still trust the Lord, it can be such a hard line to balance.
Read the book "Sarah" by Orson Scott Card. It will become a friend to you.
Let me know how things go. You are loved and the Lord does have a plan for your family. He has not forgotten you.
Brianna, I know how you feel. My husband and I have been trying for over a year now, and your words meant a lot to me because that is exactly how I feel. You are in my prayers, good luck. It will happen someday
I know how you feel. Scott and I waited 16 months. But I know some who waited even longer. Just remember that sometimes the best moms are the ones that had to wait the longest. Hang in there Brianna! I'm pulling for ya! It's nice to know you are willing to make the sacrifice that some are not AND you have the patience it requires.
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