I do!
Tomorrow is September 1st. Not a significant date for most people, but for me . . . Exactly one year ago on this day Rusty and I started trying to get pregnant.
The definition of infertility: Having sexual relations without any barriers for 1year.
Tomorrow, I am officially infertile
Some days I am ok with that fact and others, like today, I struggle to find the hero inside myself.
That person who is strong
That person who knows what to do in every situation
That person who suffers in silence and handles what is given her
That person who never lets show the anguish she feels inside
That person who doesn't let the tears fall
That person who remembers that she is blessed and doesn't ask for more
That person who doesn't complain
That person who allows the whole in her heart to be put on the back burner
That person who smiles
Some days I can be that person, but today . . .
I can't
I know that in a few days I will be able to be that girl again and life will be good, but today I morn the lose of something I have never had.
Today I found out that another friend is pregnant, while I am VERY excited for her and her husband, I can't help but feel the jolt of my current situation.
So today I will dig deep and find the hero in myself because the people around me need her!
I NEED her!!!
7 comments:
Thank you for that. I am so glad to know someone else is having a rough day too. I am truly sorry you haven't been able to become pregnant, that obviously is not what I am dealing with, but if any today was the day that "I can't", it was today. I think I have cried at least once every hour today. That rough and sadly most of it wasn't anyone's fault but my own, but some days are like that I guess. Hang in there! Like you said in a couple days I will be that girl again!
Brianna, the hero in you shines out for all of us to see! You are wonderful. So sorry you guys are having trouble getting pregnant.
Brianna, your honesty about how you feel is heroic!! Other women need to read your blog because they need to know how absolutely normal they are for having hard, hard days and that not every day is filled with eternal perspective. You are right, it will return, but it is ok to feel the way you are feeling. You already are a hero - without a doubt!!
Becky, I'm so glad that I was able to help in some way. I'm sorry you had such a hard day yesterday. I've decided that everyone has their days that we just need to cry and work through the heartache. All I can say is, "Thank Heaven for tomorrow!!"
Hey there girl! I just came across your blog through Leah's, what a CUTE blog! Send me your e-mail and I'll send you an invite to view my blog. My e-mail is wiggylines@gmail.com. By the way, where in the world are you? How are you? You guys are the cutest couple!
You are a hero already! You've gone through this for one year, a very long and hard year already...Officially, I think there is no way to define infertility by the amount of time that one goes through it. 6 months, a year, 7 years...
What defines infertility is the longing, the feeling of an "invisible" loss.
Give yourself time to grieve, to talk to your hubby, to inform others...which you are doing here, which will help others be sensitive to your feelings.
However...don't forget to measure the other successes in your life. Because you have so many!
I just heard these lyrics on your blog.
"When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself"
I love you and I'm praying for you!
Thank you for this, I wish you weren't going through this, but it is nice to know that I am not the only one with fertility issues. It has been a year and a half for us and it is extremely hard to see others who have no problems and don't realize how lucky they are. You are an amazing person you can do it.
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