What I've Learned

The past few weeks have been a whilrwind of emotions.  I feel like I have completely run the spectrum of human emotions and then some.  When I found out I was pregnant I was, of course, completely thrilled (to say the least).  When I miscarried it was the polar opposite.  I was more devestated than I ever have been.  If you have never experienced a miscarriage I can't completely explain to you the agony and loss that is felt along with it, but if you have then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  It is different for every woman, but somethings never change.

Looking back at this experience I realize that it was the "in between" time of these two events when I recieved my greatest blessings.  Trying to overcome our loss has been hard on both Rusty and I, but through faith and being optomistic we are making it through.  We have both come to see that we have truly been blessed through this experience.  Here's what I have learned:

1.) I CAN get pregnant (and on my own too!)
     This is a big relief and a comfort to me to know that my body is capable of getting pregnant  and that  hope is on the horizon.

2.) Things happen on the Lord's timetable and NOT my own
      This has been one of the HARDEST lessons to learn and I'm still learning it, but I hope that in time this will be an easier thing to handle and accept, but I do know that everything is done with a purpose and the Lord is definitely midful of me and has a plan for me.  It is now my job to learn and accept that plan over my own.

3.) Rusty is much more open to the idea of having a baby!! YEAH!!!!!!
     Before I found out I was pregnant, Rusty and I had been trying for about 16 months with  no success and (on his part) no desire to use the fertility drugs available.  However, after being pregnant and seeing the support and excitement of everyone he has changed his tune :)  Before, Rusty didn't even want to talk about babies (it makes me think of a horse that is pulling back on you as you try to tug it forward by the lead rope).  Now he is excited to try again when the doctor allows and to have a baby when the Lord deems it.
        
4.) This baby had a purpose.
     I have been thinking a lot lately about why the Lord would allow me to become pregnant after so long a struggle and then take it away.  I have conclued that I don't know why.  What I do know is that my baby had a purpose.  For me, I have learned so much from this experience and felt so blessed to have it, even if it was only for a few short weeks.  This baby has made me a better person and showed me the tender mercies of the Lord.  He loves me and is aware of both Rusty and I and knows our hopes and dreams of becoming parents and in a way this baby prepared us for some of the things to come.  I may not know all of the answers, but I do know that I love my baby and that it had a purpose on this earth and that someday I WILL see my baby's face.

I'm sorry that this post is not more exciting, but to be honest it has been very theraputic for me and is really a journal of my innermost thoughts and feelings.  I do not know my Savior as well as I may like, but I do know that somewhere in heaven he walks, talks, and teaches my children.  As long as He cares for my children, then I am willing to wait until He is ready to send them and I am ready to recieve them.