Yesterday I found out some exciting news. At least it will be exciting. Right now, I have mixed feelings.
My younger sister (18 yrs. old) just found out she is pregnant with her boyfriends baby.
I have smiled, I have been excited, and I have cried . . . a lot.
Last night I recieved a phone call from my mom and after some chit chat she announced the real reason for the call. To tell me that my younger sister is pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks!! I have mostly been in a state of shock and disbelief. I WANT to be happy for my sister and I AM happy for her. I know that she will make a great mother. She is the sweetest girl I know and is so much fun! She has so much potential for good and is already proving to be willing to sacrifice for her unborn baby. But I can't help but acutely feel the loss of my own baby and my lack of fertility.
I cried to my husband last night and said, "It's NOT FAIR!! When is it going to be OUR turn?! We have lived our lives righteously! We are good people! Why not US?!" I know that it does me no good to ask that question of "WHY?" but I can't help but look to the heavens and wonder what the bigger picture is here.
I am excited to start making car seat covers, name blocks, and other cute crafty things for my sister to use with her new little one, but I just can't get over the sting of it right now.
All of these senarios and questions keep running through my head:
~ If I hadn't miscarried I would have an almost 7 month old baby right now.
~ What am I doing wrong that I can't get pregnant?
~ What is it the Lord wants me to learn?
~ Haven't I learned the lesson yet?
~ How do I keep going through all of this?
~ When will the pain stop?
~ When will the stinging feeling I feel when someone announces their pregnancy go away?
~ Why can't I just be happy for them?
~ When is it going to be MY turn?
I know a lot of these questions are irrational and I know all of the perfectly logical and spiritual answers to each one and I know which ones have no answer.
I don't write this to get pitty or to even get answers because I know there aren't any. I write this for me. I hurt right now and this is the only way I know of to make me feel better. To send my thoughts and feelings out into the cosmos.
I know that the Lord loves me, has blessed me (TREMENDOUSLY!!), has a plan for me, and that my turn is coming. Tomorrow is a new day I will take this one day at a time. I WILL get through this. The sun WILL rise and life WILL go on.
But for right now . . .
IT'S
NOT
FAIR!
10 comments:
Love Ya! I hope your turn comes soon. Waiting and the unknown are the hardest things I think. Stay strong.
Brianna, my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry. I like your quote at the top of your blog. Faith is God means faith in his timing. You are so amazing! You will be in my prayers!
I think I know what you mean. You ARE happy for your sis. BUT, It's NOT FAIR that you have to go through INFERTILITY.
You are a woman of GREAT FAITH in that you have already recognized that God is blessing you despite your trial(s). AND you are planning on doing things for her already, which is totally unselfish in itself and you will be blessed because of that.
And...just a side note...I HATE that you have to go through this. It breaks my heart. But, I know that you are strong and Heavenly Father loves you!!!
oh i'm so sorry....timing is everything and someday you will know the reasons why. you'll be such a great aunt for your sister's little baby!
Your honesty is AWESOME!!! You have every right to feel the way you do. You know the Lord has His reasons. I will pray that maybe He can enlighten you even just a bit. You will be in my prayers.
Thank you so much everyone! Hearing all of your words of wisdom and support just really gives me the boost I need and the strength to carry on. You all are such good examples to me of strong, caring women and I appreciate your love and support more than I can say! :)
We all love you!
Bri! so sorry you are hurting. You are right, there isn't much to say...just know there are people who love you and can't wait for your turn too. (:
Bri, i love you.
bri, that totally sucks! I mean i am thrilled for your sister, and new babies are so fun. But it just stinks, I dont know why you havent had that special baby yet but my heart goes out to you, hopefully your day will come very soon! love you!
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